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Literature Text
Ichigo coughed, clearing his throat of all in-character lines, and any combinations of words that would make even the slightest amount of sense. “Okay, let's see...”, He then said, doing his very best to make his voice sound as deep as possible, which was met with minimal success- that however still made him very proud, since nobody was around to tell him how silly it sounded. “Author's Notes: Well then, as it was previously announced – this is our “bonus chapter”, or, to be more accurate, essentially a chapter-long omake to celebrate the fact that we have concluded our version of the Soul Society arc. Now, you may be wondering: With what sort of omake do we intend to fill an entire chapter? Well, basically-”
“Uh, Ichigo? What exactly are you doing?” Tatsuki asked with an incredulous tone, having entered the room – the captain’s meeting hall – just now, only to find Ichigo sitting at a table, reading something out loud from a piece of paper.
“Huh? Oh, I'm reading the Author's Notes. Since we essentially won't be having a fourth wall for this chapter, I figured that I might as well make it clear right away, and read them out loud so-”
“No, no, no, no, that's not what I meant!” Tatsuki interrupted him with an absolutely baffling disregard for the completion of other people's sentences. “What I was asking was why you were thinking that you of all people are the one who gets to read these out? Did you even ask anybody else if they wanted to read the Author's Notes first? Show some concern for others, dammit!!”
“Tatsuki, please.” Ichigo said, rolling his eyes by 180 degrees. “I'm the protagonist of this fic- if anyone gets to read out the Author's Notes, it has to be me.”
“You're delusional, Kurosaki.” Uryu said as he entered the room, sitting down at the table. “You may be the overly important protagonist in canon, but in this fic all four of us are protagonists to equal parts!”
“And besides, Kurosaki-kuuun...” Orihime added, following after Uryu. “I thought we were friends- and don't friends share things, and stuff like that?”
Ichigo pouted. How dare these imbeciles question his supreme role as the single most important character in the entire story? He had worked hard for this position, and had done more than enough to deserve it, like becoming unreasonably powerful for a guy who only had his supernatural powers for just a few months, especially in comparison to people who had to work for an equal level of strength several decades! Not to mention-
“You do realize that we can hear all of your in-character thoughts, right?” Tatsuki interrupted his plans for bloody vengeance before they could even start. “No fourth wall, remember?”
“Oh, bite me!” Ichigo hissed back, giving her a death glare that would have been a bit more impressive if he hadn't pouted like a small kid just a few seconds earlier. “You have no idea how annoying it is to have been nerfed this much from canon! I demand amends for being a balanced character in comparison to my friends!!”
“Geez, way to sound like a whiny bitch, Ichigo.” Tatsuki snarled, responding with a death glare that very easily managed to be a good deal more impressive (though that was admittedly not that big of a feat). “I've yet to hear some call you a Mary Sue here. Just look at canon in comparison, and tell me that being nerfed really was that big of bad thing to happen to you!”
“Shut up, both of you!” Orihime shouted, displaying an anger that could not be more out-of-character, if her literally burning eyes were anything to go by. “You're wasting our time here! And even worse, by now you are just acting as mouthpieces for the authors! So how about just this once, both of you stay silent until all the others arrive, and don't waste any more of the text with your bickering that isn't even the main point of this chapter?!”
And thus, Ichigo and Tatsuki spent the next couple of minutes covering in fear of Orihime, as the room slowly filled itself with people. Eventually, everyone had arrived, was seated, and greatly enjoyed the sight of both Ichigo and Tatsuki being afraid of Orihime. Uryu meanwhile, who had spent the last few minutes amusing himself at the sight, took a look around.
He himself, Ichigo, Tatsuki, Orihime, Rukia, and, surprisingly enough, Keigo were there. The shinigami of the Gotei Thirteen, Yamamoto, Soifon, Gin, Unohana, Aizen, Byakuya, Sajin, Tosen, Shunsui, Hitsugaya, Kenpachi, Mayuri, Ukitake, and surprisingly enough, Hanataro and Omaeda, were there, too. And last but not least, Urahara and Yoruichi had come as well – everyone was there.
“Very well then...” Uryu said, seeing as Orihime was still busy glaring at Ichigo and Tatsuki, who in turn were still busy fearing for their lives. “As all of you know, through some way or another, we have managed to make it through the first two story arcs of this piece of fan fiction. However, as all of you should also be aware, our general popularity still leaves something to be desired. For this reason, we have decided to invite all of you, so that we can have a big open discussion, were everyone can give us their own ideas on how to generally improve our series, and make it more successful. Any questions?”
His question was met with Silence. The two happily shook hands, had a short conversation about how life had been for them recently, and then sadly parted ways again, since Silence still had other urgent business to attend to, and his question still needed to be answered.
Not being too used to the concept of considering another person to be more important than himself, Aizen reluctantly raised his hand. “Yes, four-eyes?”
“Uhhh, yeah, well...” Aizen said, trying to ignore the fact that he had been called “four-eyes” by a person who himself was also wearing glasses. “This all will basically just boil down to us making tons of obscure references which none of our readers will get entirely, won't it?”
Cupping his chin, Uryu pondered about the question for a moment. “Eeyup, pretty much.”
“Oh. Great.”
“Well, if this is all, then... I guess we better get started, then.”
“All right, listen up.” Ichigo said, striking what he hoped was a thoughtful, serious pose. “Remember when Kubo first started Bleach, and the premise was scary ghost monsters versus spirit samurai?”
“Yes, back when I had actual canon screen time.” Tatsuki said. “Those were good times.”
“And then comes the Soul Society arc, and it's all about the spirit samurai. Then came the arrancars, AKA attack of the pseudo-Spanish strippers who generated way more fangirls and fanboys than any of us could have dreamed of.”
“Is there a point to this?” Uryu said.
“Shut up! Anyways, after that came the Fullbringers, which was basically… well, it kinda didn't have a theme, but I'll call it attack of the English-ish filler characters. And after that, there was the attack of the German undead Quincy Nazis.”
“We're not Nazis!” Uryu snapped.
“Nope, they're just a bunch of supremacists who want to kill everything and put the Arrancar into concentration camps. Totally different.” Ichigo said sarcastically. “Anyways, I totally thought of an awesome concept to follow this up!”
“…oh boy, here we go.” Tatsuki said joylessly.
“Like I said, we went from spirit samurai to Spanish strippers to Quincy Nazis, so how about… the next arc is going to be about the attack of the Swedish Ghost Dwarf Vikings!”
“Yup.” Tatsuki said, as if no further commentary was needed.
“Think about it!” Ichigo said cheerfully. “Led by their evil queen Astrid Lindgren, the Swedish Ghost Dwarf Vikings derive powers from their beards and being short! The bigger the beard, and the shorter the dwarf, the more powerful they are. Naturally, they all completely curb stomp all heroic characters using the combined force of their Rakning technique to completely shave their enemies, and their Helskägg powerup... until our brave heroes gain a plot convenient power up! Oh, and Keigo conveniently turns out to be one of them.”
“You know, I am really starting to like this concept...” Keigo noted, only to be ignored by people who weren't even aware of his existence.
Rukia, perhaps speaking for all of them, facepalmed intensely.
“But of course, since I am the protagonist, I find a way: I make my sword grow a beard! Then, I singlehandedly defeat Astrid Lindgren in singlehanded combat!”
“Kurosaki…” Uryu said, his voice almost pleading.
“Ichigo, seriously.” Tatsuki said.
“What? You can't tell me that's more ridiculous than Quincy Nazis!” Ichigo shouted. “Compared to where the manga's been going, this would make perfect sense!”
“You know, Kurosaki,” Uryu said, “when you remove common sense completely, it's not hard to make sense. Besides, isn't canon being what it is the reason this fic exists in the first place?”
Ichigo pouted, crossing his arms. “I still think it's a great idea.”
“The rest of us, who enjoy having brains, disagree.” Uryu said snidely.
“But I like it, too!” Keigo shouted, causing him to receive attention for the first time in well over a dozen chapters.
“Yeah. Like I said – those of us who enjoy having brains.” Uryu said, not even bothering to turn around to face Keigo. Looking apprehensive, he added, “By the way, can we all just agree to not tell Kubo about this? We don't want to give him ideas.”
“God, yes.” Tatsuki said, making a face. “He might actually do it.”
“Ichigo, you fool!” Rukia exclaimed. “We should focus our ideas for things that are viable for this story. Like my idea!”
“What, a slice-of-life yonkoma about Chappy?” Ichigo shot back.
“…that's a great idea, actually.” Rukia said. “But I had something else in mind.”
“Well go on, then. It can't be as bad as Ichigo's idea.” Tatsuki said.
“Right.” Rukia said, her eyes shimmering. “It centres around a schoolgirl who falls through a well, and goes back in time to feudal Japan. There, she finds a handsome man sealed to a tree. He is released and turns out to be evil, except not really, and in the first episode they become friends, sort of. And then they join forces with a lecherous monk and a monster slayer and an annoying comic relief furry to find the soul of four jewels, an evil macguffin that the villain Karanu is after. It would be an ensemble cast, with the lead as a gruff, half-yokai swordsperson who learns moves like “scar wind” or “slashback wave” with the magical sword that his father left him.”
“Wait, a gruff, bad-mannered protagonist with a supporting lead that's a more stable foil? Doesn't that sound like-“ Ichigo began.
“Like it's a role perfectly suited for me!” Rukia exclaimed proudly. “Don't worry though- you get to wear a school girl uniform and shout my name a whole lot. Also, I would have an aloof elder brother who hates me and is the most powerful and awesome character in the whole series.”
Uryu made a face that could only be described as the visual equivalent of the desire to stab one's eyes out. “Great, thanks for that mental image.”
“Uh, no offence to your idea, Miss Kuchiki...” Urahara spoke up, thereby receiving the dubious honour of being the first character besides Aizen and Ichigo and his friends to receive any actual lines in this chapter. “But can't Ichigo at least wear a kilt? He could just be a Scottish exchange student or something like that, I dunno. Just anything to spare us the image of him in a miniskirt.”
“Absolutely not!” Rukia shouted, as if Urahara's suggestion was the greatest heresy. “I will not have a love interest that isn't a tiny miniskirt.”
“Uh.” Urahara said, thereby perfectly summing up the general reaction to Rukia's outburst. “Well, disregarding your... preferences, don't you think that Ichigo himself should be the one to decide on the matter of being Scottish?”
Ichigo however shook his head violently. “No way! I can't be Scottish. If I were, I had to live up to people like Sean Connery or David Tennant! Besides, I rather like the freedom that these skirts give my legs.”
“Uhh... well, aaaanyway...” Tatsuki said, getting very desperate to change the subject by now. “Could I, uh, play the monster slayer?”
“I had considered you for lecherous monk, but that would do.” Rukia said, smiling generously.
“Better… but far from enough.” Uryu said condescendingly. “For the audience of today, you need something more sophisticated than a feudal fairy tale. Something that can appeal to audiences of all ages.”
“And what idea did you have?” Rukia said, sounding miffed.
“Simple. I would be a boy of eleven, raised by his horrible step-parents who emotionally abused him from the start-“
“Wouldn't that make you emotionally damaged to a point where you couldn't function normally?”
“Willing suspension of disbelief, you simpleton!” Uryu snapped. “Anyways, at eleven I would receive a letter inviting me to study magic at an academy for sorcerers and magicians, where I would quickly make friends with a bumbling redhead who gets absurd amounts of irrational hatred from the fanbase-”
“Me?” Ichigo asked, sounding hopeful.
“...Yeah, I suppose you'd suit the role well enough. I'd end up getting married to your sister, though, but that is an issue for another time. My other friend would be an intelligent girl who'd solve all the logical puzzles for me- I guess Rukia can have that role.”
“Fine by me.” Rukia said, trying to not sound intrigued.
“And as time goes on, I have to combat the Dark Lord Evil Sorcerer known as Vole of Death. He'd be portrayed by Mr Clownish Horror Movie Villain Reject over there.” Uryu continued, pointing at Mayuri. “He would have failed to kill me when I was a new-born, ending a reign of terror, leaving a cross-shaped scar on my forehead. In the end, it turns out I was the chosen one, who has to kill the Vole. I think about eight or so movies would cover this plot.”
“…you're ripping off a franchise so popular even I have read it.” Rukia said flatly. “Just because you'd play a role that has glasses, too?”
“And I'd be protagonist, damn it!” Uryu snapped. “Let the smart people be in charge for once, what's wrong with that?”
“How about the fact that all the action would boil down to people swinging around glowing sticks?” Kenpachi shouted from the other end of the table, bored out of his mind. “I mean seriously, where the hell is all the blood and splattering organs? You kids just have no taste!”
Tatsuki grinned. “Oh, funny thing that you mention that- because you see, my idea might just fit your tastes perfectly.”
“Oh yes, humour us with the ideas of a simplistic, violence-obsessed mind such as yours, it will certainly be the greatest story ever told...” Uryu mumbled under his breath.
“I heard that.” Tatsuki stated flatly. “But just you listen and be blown away, you non-believer. The story would take place in the medieval Europe-Excpet-Not-Really-Because-It-Is-A-Fictional-Counterpart-Thing land, where the simple common folk have to live with the constant threat of man-eating monsters that can take on a human form, and prey on them from among them! But not all hope is lost for mankind, for there is an organization of silver-haired and golden-eyed all-female supermodel warriors with demon powers that travel the land and fight these monsters!”
“All female, you say?” Urahara said, smiling the smile of a man whose mind was very busy creating a very vivid image that didn't necessarily contain the female cast in a traditional kind of battle. “Tell us more.”
“Okay, so, I'd be one of those warriors, travelling the lands, seeking vengeance against a beast that killed a person that was very important to me, and inspired me to become a warrior in the first place. Along the way, I pick up a completely useless boy who tags along with me, and serves no other purpose than to be a love interest- I suppose you could have that role, Ichigo.”
“How very generous of you.” Ichigo noted, sarcasm dripping from his voice, onto the floor, where it formed a small puddle.
Tatsuki smiled kindly. “Your gratitude has been noted! Anyway, then later on, I save the life of a woman who becomes completely devoted to me, so you get kind of superfluous... but, whatever! As the story progresses, violence happens, and I find several comrades among the other warriors, none of which seem to have a male love interest for some reason. And then there's a conspiracy, and more monster-killing, action, and violence. So what do you think?” She finished, looking around with a big smile on her face.
“Well, as I have stated before, you have my approval.” Urahara said, still grinning.
“Same here... as long as I get to be partnered with Yoruichi-sama as warriors, that is.” Soifon added, folding her hands mischievously.
“It probably really is the best idea thus far, though that isn't really saying much.” Unohana said, nodding.
“Yeah, well, I say it's complete bullshit.” Kenpachi grunted, promptly halting the flow of positivity. “I mean, what the hell? Only females get to kick ass?! That's just crap. I say we move on to the next idea.”
“Bah, just you wait...” Tatsuki grumbled. “This'll be the best thing that we can come up anyway...”
“Sooo, going by the author's outline for the chapter, I guess it's my turn now...” Orihime said thoughtfully. ”I know! I'd play a young girl who yearns for something more than living trapped un-derground, where humanity has been banished by evil furries with giant robots.”
”That's Orihime, all right…” Tatsuki mumbled.
“But one day, I find this robot suit head that gives me a new mecha I can totally pilot even though I never had any training, and from there I go to the surface to fight furries!” She tapped her chin. “I'd also have this extremely awesome older brother figure- I guess that could be you, Tatsuki.”
“Well, that's cool.” Tatsuki said spiritedly.
“Yeah. You'd get like 90% of the fans, and there would be memes about how cool and awesome you are.”
“I am okay with that!”
“But you die in episode eight.” Orihime said cheerfully.
“What?!”
“Yeah, but your death triggers me to be extremely awesome and lead humanity to victory!”
“Some consolation that is…” Tatsuki mumbled.
“And I go on to lead an army of increasingly enormous mechas that throw galaxies as weapons and kick alien ass all the way!” Orihime cheered, making enthusiastic ‘pew pew' gestures with her hands. “My screwdriver would be the screwdriver that pierces the heavens! Who the heck do you think I am?!”
“…strangely, I think that would probably work really well.” Uryu said, sounding mildly impressed.
“Agreed, that is an improvement.” Ichigo said.
“…stupid dying to further character growth trope…” Tatsuki muttered.
“My turn!” Keigo declared.
“How are you even here?” Ichigo wondered. “You're not important or popular. Hell, I'd be surprised if you had more than a total of ten lines so far!”
“That may be so – but on the other hand, it also means that I am just about the only normal human character in this entire fic, which in turn makes me more special than any of you could ever hope to be. Quod erat demonstrandum.” Keigo explained proudly. Being allowed to act out of character had proven itself to be very benevolent to both his self-esteem and his intelligence.
“So basically, what you are saying is the fact that you are lame... makes you awesome?” Ichigo asked, raising an eyebrow.
“I would have been fine with the word “special” alone, but if you want to call it awesomeness- by all means, Ichigo, be my guest.” Keigo said, smiling smugly enough for Aizen to be taking notes on the other side of the room.
“Tsk. How very befitting of a fool such as you to use these protagonist pawns to make your own lameness seem greater than it is.” Hanataro suddenly said, giving Keigo a dark stare from the other side of the room. “But try as you may, the fact that remains that you will never be able to surpass me – my lameness is simply on an entirely different level than yours.”
“Pah! The only advantage that a beginner such as you could have over me is a greater amount of screentime, nothing else! My lameness can and will always outshine yours!”
“...Are those two seriously having an argument over which one of them is more lame?” Tatsuki asked, leaning towards Ichigo to whisper in his ear.
“Don't ask me. I have completely stopped questioning what was going on several paragraphs ago.” Ichigo whispered back stoically.
Uryu meanwhile coughed. “I don't mean to interrupt you, Keigo, but could you please get back to your idea?”
Keigo sighed. “Oh, if I must... we will simply continue our battle of wits another time, my arch-enemy. Anyway... it would be the grand tale of a young man, who had the nine-eared bunny rabbit sealed into him as but a mere child, which this drove him to have the ambition of becoming the king of the ninja pirates. Along his way, he and his not-as-important-or-powerful-as-him companions must fight evil aliens with kung fu, ultimately gaining Super Saiyan powers that can turn his hair blonde, and allow him to perform his ultimate technique, the RasenGomuMeha! And the name of this grand adventure shall be: DragonNaruPiece- the ultimate shonen adventure! I'll become king-kage of the ninja pirate village, dattebayo!”
“NO.” Uryu, Rukia and Tatsuki said at once, their disapproval forming a physical force, knocking Keigo over.
Grumbling, Keigo got back up. “Y'all just have no taste...”
“Oh, I actually quite liked it... though, the concept could still use some work.” Ichigo said, hoping to remain neutral.
“Ichigo? Keigo? Please shut up. Preferably right now.” Rukia said, politely but firmly.
“I swear, we'll never manage to come up with a decent concept at this rate...” Uryu mumbled, slowly applying his palm to his forehead.
“I'd say that's because you young whippersnappers simply have no idea of the world, and think in your naivety that all of your ideas are the greatest!” Yamamoto spoke up, making use of a grumpiness that people only seemed to be able to achieve once every single hair on their body had turned white. “It is about time that you foolish kids are done with your silly ideas, and us captains get to start with our sophisticated concepts!”
“And this is why you don't put the old man off his medicine...” Aizen mumbled under his breath.
“Oh, like your stories of the good old days will be so much better, hunchback!” Uryu meanwhile shot back, already fearing that him and the others would get significantly less dialogue now that the captains got started on their parts.
“Pah! Just you sit down and listen, lad!” Yamamoto said smugly.
“Uh, I'm already sitting.”
“Now, my idea is as simple as it is brilliant, and that for just one reason alone: It is not some rip-off based of some other series, but a genuinely original concept!” He stated matter-of-factly, saying the exact thing that nobody would have expected.
“HERESY!” Ichigo shouted, while everyone else was just busy O_Oing.
Ignoring the stunned almost-silence entirely, Yamamoto meanwhile continued, “The story would take place one thousand years in the past. An order such as the Gotei does not exist yet, and thus, Hollows freely roam the Soul Society, preying on all those not capable to fight, or unable to get protected. The only real human settlement that has been established is the Seireitei, protected by enormous walls which prevent all Hollows from entering.”
“Uh, what was that about a “completely original concept” earlier...?” Uryu quietly asked, speaking to no one in particular.
“Outside the walls however, there is a lone young soul, one of the few that have managed to gain the power of a shinigami – me. Little does the young man know that he will eventually found an order that will last well over a millennia... a story of politics, of battles, of humanity- and a story of war, for in the world of the living, there is a clan of humans whose supernatural powers threaten to unsettle the very balance of the world!”
A stunned Silence followed his words, taking a seat at the table and getting comfortable, starting a friendly conversation with his words, whom it had not seen since the beginning of the chapter.
“Qullshit!” Ichigo then finally shouted. Confused, the reader looked down on their keyboard to see if the letters Q and B were even close to each other. They weren't. “I mean, what the hell?! With a story like that, there's absolutely no chance for any of us to appear at all! Who'd want that?!”
“For once, I gotta agree with you there, Kurosaki.” Uryu agreed. “This is easily the worst idea so far.”
Orihime nodded. “Agreed. If I don't get my screentime, there will be blood. Plenty of it.”
“...Yeah, what she said.” Tatsuki said, staring at Orihime.
Keigo too nodded. “A story like that will never be able to successfully contain my grand lameness!”
“Like I said: None of you whippersnappers could appreciate something like this!” Yamamoto scoffed, trying not to act hurt. “It would take a captain to appreciate a fantastic story like that. You'll see, aside from you, everybody is going to-”
“Uh, yeah, gonna be honest with you here, sensei...” Ukitake said, seizing the chance to actually get some dialogue. “I gotta agree with the kids there. This concept sucks ass.”
“Same here.” Shunsui quickly agreed, taking a short break from his excessive alcohol consumption that had been taking place off-screen thus far. “I mean, the only ones here besides you who'd actually get a role'd be ol' Unohana, me and Ukitake- and us two would probably be useless kids at best. Do you honestly think that we'd support this crap?”
An agreeing grumbling could be heard from the rest of the captains, particularly from Mayuri and Aizen.
“This is just madness! One thousand years ago? Where would the science be?! It would just be primitive idiots swinging around swords, with no delicious science to be found anywhere!”
Yamamoto stared at the other captains in hurt disbelief. “Those words are BLASPHEMY!”, he then roared angrily.
“Silence, old man!” Soifon shouted, apparently enjoying her new anarchic, completely OOC perso-na. “You've all missed the point! We all need something that's really cool, profound and all around awe-inspiring!”
“Like what?” Ichigo said curiously. “A show like “Gotei Justice”, showing the everyday of Gotei law enforcement, in barely concealed propaganda? A show about crime forensics, starring people who look more like photo models than lab geeks? Maybe a show about a team of FBI agents spe-cializing in psychological profiling, hunting serial killers? Or maybe-“
“What? No.” Soifon said, giving him a dude-ur-so-retarded look. “What we need is a magical girl show, starring myself!”
There was a collective dropping, and subsequent dislocating, of jaws.
“I would be the pink-wearing lead girl, who receives magical powers after rescuing a magical dog. And then I rescue a poor, suffering girl who has been my antagonist, but only did it because her evil mother made her. Wacky hijinks ensue!” Soifon declared seriously. “The suffering girl is you, Yo-ruichi-sama.”
“That's… subtle.” Yoruichi said, chuckling.
“What?”
Ichigo sniggered.
“What?!”
”Oh, nothing. It just sounds a little bit like Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha. And a lot of other magical girl shows, I guess. I wouldn't know. It's not like I keep a really extensive and totally secret library of magical girl anime in my room or anything.” Ichigo said.
“S-so?” Soifon said. “You were ripping things off too!”
“Well, if you watched the third season, you'd notice that Nanoha and Fate are kind of… gay, right?”
Soifon rolled her eyes. “Guh, so typical for men to assume that just because two women are really close, sleep in the same bed, raise a child together and are generally devoted to each other, it's gay. Stop seeing things that aren't there! It's totally straight!”
“I agree.” Yoruichi said supportively. “It's so straight, Freddie Mercury looks gay in comparison.”
“See?” Soifon said triumphantly, while Yoruichi stifled her laughter.
“Soifon's transparent closet issues aside,” Gin said, “I have a much better idea-“
“All my closets are made of wood, you moron.” Soifon said sourly.
“…right. Well, my idea is a crime show. But not just any crime show- I'd play a modern day adap-tation of the greatest detective of all time.”
“Batman?” Ichigo wondered.
Swiftly, Gin stabbed him in the chest. “No, not “Batman”, you simpleton. That Mary Sue has noth-ing on the original detective, Sherlock Gin Holmes! I would play a modern day Sherlock who lives in Tokyo, written as a socially awkward but brilliant sociopath who solves crimes for a living, be-cause everything else is boring because I'm so incredibly smart.”
“Well, you have the sociopath thing down…” Tatsuki commented, ignoring Ichigo as he rolled around on the floor. Stab wounds were nasty, but protagonist physique was hardy. The end result: Ichigo out of commission.
“Do your research, girl.” Gin said dismissively. “I am a sadistic, barely-functioning psychopath with homicidal tendencies, not a sociopath.” He looked around. “Hmm, I'd need an aloof elder brother who may or may not be more intelligent than myself…”
“Hey-o!” Aizen said cheerfully.
“…well, if that's you, at least you only appear for like five minutes per episode.” Gin muttered. “I'd also need a warm, humane but traumatized Watson, functioning as my anchor to humanity and source for enormous amounts of homoerotic subtext.”
“Could I?” Rangiku said, fluttering her eyebrows.
“Well… that wouldn't be very homoerotic.” Gin complained. “Then again, I do have a soft spot for enormous boobs. You got the part!”
“Hooray!” Rangiku cheered. “I can't wait to steal the show with my loveable everywoman perfor-mance!”
“And then, we could go on to play a dragon and a thieving Halfling, driving fangirls insane with glee and potentially disturbing ships that are applied to these characters just because of our original work together.” Gin said, smiling jovially.
“May I remind you that each of us only gets to suggest one idea, my dear Gin?” Unohana said kind-ly, smiling the gentle equivalent of an “I will fucking murder you” smile.
As Gin quickly hid himself under his chair to cover in fear, Unohana turned towards Rangiku, to give her the gentle smile equivalent of a “what the hell are you even doing here” face. Her smile could very expressive. “And Matsumoto... I don't remember you being invited?”
Her mind acting faster than it ever had before in her entire life, Rangiku quickly stuttered “Idon'tReallyPlanOnMakingSuggestionsOfMyOwnSoCanIStayPleaseDon'tKillMe?”
Smiling her gentle smile equivalent of an actual gentle smile, Unohana pondered the question for a moment. “I suppose under these circumstances, you can stay... truth to be told, I might have a role in my personal suggestion that might just fit you.”
“Uhh... okay?” Rangiku said, uncertain whether she should follow Gin's example to cover in fear, or be intrigued, ultimately however deciding on a mixture of the two.
“This little story of mine would take place in the old country of England, where a secret organiza-tion founded by her majesty the queen herself would fight all sorts of nasty supernatural creatures, such as vampires, werewolves, easter bunnies, Justin Bieber fans, demons, and so on. In this battle against the darkness, I would be the organization's greatest asset, the vampire Anilucard, a beast more savage, powerful and deadly than any other vampire – but thankfully kept in check by the organization's competent, authoritative, and surprisingly badass leader.”
“And who'd get that role?” Ichigo asked, who by now had recovered from his severe stab wound, and tried to get back – only to trip and fall in the puddle of sarcasm that had dripped from his voice earlier.
“Oh yes, now that you mention it...” Unohana said thoughtfully. For a moment, she thought in silence, before suddenly shouting “Isane! Stop eavesdropping in front of the door and come in here at once!”
Instantly, a very nervous Isane burst into the room, ran up to Unohana, and saluted hastily. “Y-y-yesma'am?”
“You'll play the role of said leader. Understood?” Unohana stated matter-of-factly.
“B-b-but that role would just be way too harsh and strict of a character to actually fit me!”
Unohana's gentle smile gentle smile shifted into a death glare gentle smile. “You were saying?”
“I mean, I will obviously will play this role, and I'll like it, ma'am...” Isane said, admitting defeat after this short and very one-sided battle.
Unohana smiled. “Good! Now, in any case- our story begins as one night, I take a very enthusiastic walk through the woods, where I encounter an homicidal vampire priest, who holds a young police girl hostage. Acting quickly and heroically, I shoot both the police girl and the priest through the chest, but decide to turn the police girl into a vampire, too, and take her as my apprentice – this role would either go to Matsumoto or to Miss Arisawa... I have yet to decide.”
“I'll pass!” Rangiku quickly squeaked, deciding to become a full member of Gin's cover-in-fear-under-your-chair club, receiving a badge and a bag as a gift for new members.
“Well, I guess I'll the role, then...” Tatsuki said, not sure herself whether she should be delighted or scared to death. “Do I get to violently kill things?”
Unohana's gentle smile nodded. “But of course! In fact, there will be plenty of blood and murder... oh, but as you get turned into a vampire, your breasts get magically enlarged.”
Tatsuki shrugged. “Meh, could be worse. Still beats sparkling the sunlight any day.”
“Well, this nice and all...” Kenpachi suddenly interrupted them. “But is there any role in it for me? None of these other asshats have even bothered to think about me, even if their ideas were halfway decent!”
Unohana's smile gently waved its hand dismissively, as the woman herself chuckled. “Oh, don't you worry – I have just the perfect role for you! You'd get to play an immortal-ish catholic priest who also kills vampires and other things, but is my mortal enemy, and my equal-except-not-really. You wouldn't even have to take a liking to children!”
A stunned silence ensued, in which Kenpachi's just stared in disbelief at Unohana, who was petting her gentle smile on the head absent-mindedly. Then, Kenpachi suddenly thrust his arm forward, while giving an enthusiastic thumbs up, shouting, “I love it!”
Aizen meanwhile, who had watched the entire discussion in silence, shook his head disapprovingly. “Tsk, tsk, tsk... I must say, all of your concepts are just severely lacking- especially in one particular aspect.”
“And what'd that be, smartass?” Urahara asked, his tone annoyed as Urahara himself – the two always were on the same wavelength.
“Quite simple.” Aizen said, ignoring Urahara's annoyance. “AMBITION!”
Urahara remained unimpressed. “Uh-huh. Are you sure you don't mean “PRRRRETENTIOUSNESS”?”
“Same thing!”
“With you, it definitely is...”
“Oh, you'll see Kisuke- my idea is more grand than anything that your pitiful mind can come up with.” Aizen scoffed. “Set in an alternate universe, where earth is divided between the three superpowers of the Great Empire of Japanippon, the Scandinavian Federation, and Australia, the story follows me in the role of the young exiled fifth prince of the Japanipponian empire, Aizen le Japania, who lives in secret in the Japan-conquered America, together with the most important person in his life, his younger sister Kosuko le Japania. Under a fake identity, the two spend their days living as students of the Japanese ruling class in America, secretly plotting their vengeance against Japanippon and their villainous emperor father- who'd be portrayed by you, old man.” He said, pointing at Yamamoto.
“Hmpf! Of course you'd cast me as the villain. Well, I refuse!” Yamamoto said fiercely, unwilling to budge even an inch from his position.
“Oh, and you'd be voiced by Norio Wakamoto.”
“...I no longer refuse.”
Aizen nodded smugly. “Yeah, that's what I thought. Anyway, one day, my life would take a sudden, unexpected turn, when I encounter a mysterious girl portrayed by the daughter of Doctor Clownface over there” he gestured towards Mayuri “who grants me a mysterious power which allows me to command everybody to do my bidding by simply establishing eye contact with them! From there, I'd seize control of the American resistance, leading them to great victories that would have been completely impossible without my help! Along the way, I would repeatedly face off with my American childhood friend and traitor to his own country, who against all odds becomes a major member of the Japanipponian military! I would also gain several love interests- portrayed by Miss Kurotsuchi, Miss Inoue and Miss Shihoin.”
“And let me guess: The friend character will be me.” Urahara questioned flatly.
“Well, duh. Who else would fit that role?”
“And let me make a further guess...” Urahara continued “The series ends with you making an incredibly noble, heroic sacrifice that causes world peace somehow, after a series of ridiculously complicated battles and implausible strategical twists.”
“Something like that, yes. Although there would be a good deal of focus on how cool I look in a cape.”
“Except that the story isn't over yet, you go to Soul Society, become bestest friends with everybody here, and go on to try and make the Gotei a better place, except you mostly just dick around looking cool while also suddenly discovering your sexuality after ignoring it for almost two decades.”
“...Not a bad idea, actually...” Aizen said, thoughtfully. “But that could go very wrong very easily... no to mention that it'd take forever. No, we're not doing that... on second thought, it'd probably just be stupid.”
“Foolish indeed, traitor.” Byakuya said condescendingly. “Nothing so melodramatic could ever succeed.”
“And I suppose you have a better idea?” Aizen sneered, quite possibly feeling threatened by the possibility of not being the prettiest man in the room.
“I do.” Byakuya said.
“Go, nii-sama!” Rukia cheered excitedly. “Show them the best that the creative minds of Kuchiki can come up with!”
“With pleasure.” Byakuya said, with a smugness that rivalled even Aizen's. “I have plans for a show which could appeal to millions of children and adults at once, spawning dozens of internet memes and overloading Deviant Art with furry fetish art.”
“Sounds like a great idea.” Ichigo said, his sarcasm puddle growing even larger.
“I thought so too.” Byakuya said, oblivious to the blatant sarcasm. My idea is simple: it would be a light-hearted show teaching simple morals, with cutesy but qualitative animation, featuring a cast of young, strong female characters. I would call it My little Hollow: Friendship is devouring.”
Rukia blinked. “That's… awesome?”
“Yes.” Byakuya nodded. “It would follow six hollows living in Hollowtown, learning about the magic of friendship. I think I would call them something like… Dawn Glitter, Rainbow Pride, Charity, Applecrack, Pink E. Why and Shutterfly. Together, they would learn upstanding morals that all children should learn, like “be respectful”, “don't hurt other people's feelings”, “share your kills”, “chew with your mouth closed” and “kill all traitors”-”
He stopped, observing how everyone else stared at him, jaws collectively dropped, an odd mix of horror, surprise and in some cases, barely concealed laughter. It dawned on Byakuya that perhaps this brilliant concept was wasted on commoner simpletons like they.
“…obviously, this is all a joke.” Byakuya said coolly. “If it appears to be not a joke, it is because my sense of humour is very, very dry. As you all know, of course.”
“That's true!” Rukia shouted desperately. “Nii-sama's sense of humour is the driest in the Gotei! He literally can't make a joke! He's the unfunniest man in history-“
“Thank you, that will do.” Byakuya said curtly. Before his audience could think any further, he con-tinued,
“Now allow me to tell you my real idea, which obviously is much more mature and successful and interesting and not at all childish.”
“Well, this ought to be good…” Ichigo said, all but completely immersed in his sarcasm puddle.
“It would be the story of a young, strangely bald boy who is the chosen Avatar to bring balance to the force, hailing from a mountain monastery that's totally not Tibetan or anything. For some reason, he freezes himself into a block of paperwork, only to be awoken centuries later by a spirited, independent girl and he bumbling comic relief character brother. From there on, our innocent, young hero must learn the ways of the elements- “warping”, where you wave your arms around and somehow it makes water, dirt, air or fire move around for you.”
Byakuya made a small dramatic pause, raising the tension level all the way to the audience's knees. “But it is not his story. The Avatar is being pursued by the evil Flaming nation, led by the flamboy-ant Troll Lord Ohwhai. His son, prince Sucka, the true hero, and the character portrayed by me, pursues the Avatar to no end, in an effort to restore his honour, and along the way develops a rela-tionship with the female lead that gives rise to one of the desperate ships in history! The Avatar must not only learn all schools of warping, and topple a tyrannical Flame Nation and save the world, but also deal with the fact that fans don't want to see him get together with his love interest!”
“That's brilliant, nii-sama!” Rukia cheered.
Finally clawing out of his sarcasm puddle, Ichigo stepped up. “Sooo, Byakuya, bro! If you're doing that, I think you'll also be needing someone to play the super-kung-fu-action-Jesus?” He said hope-fully.
“Yes. And in fact, I already know somebody perfect for the role.”
Ichigo beamed. “Yeah, I guess it's got to be-“
“Ikkaku.”
“I know, right- WHAT?”
“He is perfect for the role.” Byakuya said seriously.
“…because he is bald?”
“What?” Byakuya said, sounding confused. “No, it's because of his meek, childlike behaviour and supreme acting skills.”
Ichigo looked incredulous. Byakuya, apparently, was entirely serious. They sometimes thought Ori-hime lived in a different world, but her grasp on reality seemed solid in comparison to this.
“The role of the female-lead-main-character-love-interest-except not really would fittingly go to Soifon...”
Soifon gave him a look as if he had suggested that she should make out with Omaeda. “What.”
“...Whereas the role of her bumbling comic relief brother can only go to Gin.”
“Uh-huh.” Gin said, giving him a look that wasn't quite sure whether it was sceptical, questioning, intrigued, or fascinated. “Well, I guess it'd be something new...”
Byakuya meanwhile mercilessly continued, entirely ignoring what the others had to say. “Season two would introduce a blind badass young girl, who can easily make grown men cry with pain, and is cooler than the entire Avatar team combined. Her role would obviously go to Hanataro.”
Hanataro stared at Byakuya incredulously. “How do you know I'm a- I mean, I mean, I'm not a girl!”
Byakuya stared Hanataro deep in the eye, channelling his wide variety of emotions into one single, stoic gaze. Their contact seemed to last forever, and might as well have contained the answer to life, the universe, and everything... except that it didn't.
“This season would also introduce the Prince's absurdly competent, skilled, psychopathic, and adult-looking sister, who would emotionally torture him at multiple occasions while chasing both him and the Avatar.” Byakuya said, completely disregarding everything that had just happened.
“Did you say “emotionally torturing him”?” Rukia said, grinning widely enough for her grin to pierce the limitations of her face.
“Yes, you can have the role.”
“Well, it's a great concept!” Rukia shouted supportively.
“Stop hogging the screen time!” Tosen exclaimed. “In the name of justice, I demand that Komamu-ra and I can present our idea!”
Byakuya pouted- gracefully of course. “I hold that my idea is the best one yet.”
“Ours is a classic.” Tosen declared proudly. “A young, handsome black village boy in kinda-sorta-medieval Europe-ish land has to trade himself for the life of his father, who was saved by a monster but demanded something in exchange.”
“And that monster is a hideous, furry beast.” Komamura continued. “He keeps the young, hand-some boy in his castle, because if he cannot gain a true love's first kiss, he will surely die from a curse placed upon him by a witch.”
“And!” Tosen said, “Though the young man is at first anxious and fearful, he becomes attached to the monster, learning to appreciate his inner beauty, and through his love he is transformed into a beautiful prince!”
“And they spend their lives happily ever after.” Komamura said proudly.
“…I guess I should have known those two were weirdly close.” Byakuya said.
“Well, whatever floats your boat.” Ichigo said. “Not judging anyone, and all that.”
“Why would you judge anyone for a close, passionate friendship, anyway?” Tosen asked, sounding extremely confused.
Unohana put a tissue to her nose, wiping off a slight flow of blood. “If you excuse me, I have some fan fiction to write.”
“Uh, Ichigo? What exactly are you doing?” Tatsuki asked with an incredulous tone, having entered the room – the captain’s meeting hall – just now, only to find Ichigo sitting at a table, reading something out loud from a piece of paper.
“Huh? Oh, I'm reading the Author's Notes. Since we essentially won't be having a fourth wall for this chapter, I figured that I might as well make it clear right away, and read them out loud so-”
“No, no, no, no, that's not what I meant!” Tatsuki interrupted him with an absolutely baffling disregard for the completion of other people's sentences. “What I was asking was why you were thinking that you of all people are the one who gets to read these out? Did you even ask anybody else if they wanted to read the Author's Notes first? Show some concern for others, dammit!!”
“Tatsuki, please.” Ichigo said, rolling his eyes by 180 degrees. “I'm the protagonist of this fic- if anyone gets to read out the Author's Notes, it has to be me.”
“You're delusional, Kurosaki.” Uryu said as he entered the room, sitting down at the table. “You may be the overly important protagonist in canon, but in this fic all four of us are protagonists to equal parts!”
“And besides, Kurosaki-kuuun...” Orihime added, following after Uryu. “I thought we were friends- and don't friends share things, and stuff like that?”
Ichigo pouted. How dare these imbeciles question his supreme role as the single most important character in the entire story? He had worked hard for this position, and had done more than enough to deserve it, like becoming unreasonably powerful for a guy who only had his supernatural powers for just a few months, especially in comparison to people who had to work for an equal level of strength several decades! Not to mention-
“You do realize that we can hear all of your in-character thoughts, right?” Tatsuki interrupted his plans for bloody vengeance before they could even start. “No fourth wall, remember?”
“Oh, bite me!” Ichigo hissed back, giving her a death glare that would have been a bit more impressive if he hadn't pouted like a small kid just a few seconds earlier. “You have no idea how annoying it is to have been nerfed this much from canon! I demand amends for being a balanced character in comparison to my friends!!”
“Geez, way to sound like a whiny bitch, Ichigo.” Tatsuki snarled, responding with a death glare that very easily managed to be a good deal more impressive (though that was admittedly not that big of a feat). “I've yet to hear some call you a Mary Sue here. Just look at canon in comparison, and tell me that being nerfed really was that big of bad thing to happen to you!”
“Shut up, both of you!” Orihime shouted, displaying an anger that could not be more out-of-character, if her literally burning eyes were anything to go by. “You're wasting our time here! And even worse, by now you are just acting as mouthpieces for the authors! So how about just this once, both of you stay silent until all the others arrive, and don't waste any more of the text with your bickering that isn't even the main point of this chapter?!”
And thus, Ichigo and Tatsuki spent the next couple of minutes covering in fear of Orihime, as the room slowly filled itself with people. Eventually, everyone had arrived, was seated, and greatly enjoyed the sight of both Ichigo and Tatsuki being afraid of Orihime. Uryu meanwhile, who had spent the last few minutes amusing himself at the sight, took a look around.
He himself, Ichigo, Tatsuki, Orihime, Rukia, and, surprisingly enough, Keigo were there. The shinigami of the Gotei Thirteen, Yamamoto, Soifon, Gin, Unohana, Aizen, Byakuya, Sajin, Tosen, Shunsui, Hitsugaya, Kenpachi, Mayuri, Ukitake, and surprisingly enough, Hanataro and Omaeda, were there, too. And last but not least, Urahara and Yoruichi had come as well – everyone was there.
“Very well then...” Uryu said, seeing as Orihime was still busy glaring at Ichigo and Tatsuki, who in turn were still busy fearing for their lives. “As all of you know, through some way or another, we have managed to make it through the first two story arcs of this piece of fan fiction. However, as all of you should also be aware, our general popularity still leaves something to be desired. For this reason, we have decided to invite all of you, so that we can have a big open discussion, were everyone can give us their own ideas on how to generally improve our series, and make it more successful. Any questions?”
His question was met with Silence. The two happily shook hands, had a short conversation about how life had been for them recently, and then sadly parted ways again, since Silence still had other urgent business to attend to, and his question still needed to be answered.
Not being too used to the concept of considering another person to be more important than himself, Aizen reluctantly raised his hand. “Yes, four-eyes?”
“Uhhh, yeah, well...” Aizen said, trying to ignore the fact that he had been called “four-eyes” by a person who himself was also wearing glasses. “This all will basically just boil down to us making tons of obscure references which none of our readers will get entirely, won't it?”
Cupping his chin, Uryu pondered about the question for a moment. “Eeyup, pretty much.”
“Oh. Great.”
“Well, if this is all, then... I guess we better get started, then.”
“All right, listen up.” Ichigo said, striking what he hoped was a thoughtful, serious pose. “Remember when Kubo first started Bleach, and the premise was scary ghost monsters versus spirit samurai?”
“Yes, back when I had actual canon screen time.” Tatsuki said. “Those were good times.”
“And then comes the Soul Society arc, and it's all about the spirit samurai. Then came the arrancars, AKA attack of the pseudo-Spanish strippers who generated way more fangirls and fanboys than any of us could have dreamed of.”
“Is there a point to this?” Uryu said.
“Shut up! Anyways, after that came the Fullbringers, which was basically… well, it kinda didn't have a theme, but I'll call it attack of the English-ish filler characters. And after that, there was the attack of the German undead Quincy Nazis.”
“We're not Nazis!” Uryu snapped.
“Nope, they're just a bunch of supremacists who want to kill everything and put the Arrancar into concentration camps. Totally different.” Ichigo said sarcastically. “Anyways, I totally thought of an awesome concept to follow this up!”
“…oh boy, here we go.” Tatsuki said joylessly.
“Like I said, we went from spirit samurai to Spanish strippers to Quincy Nazis, so how about… the next arc is going to be about the attack of the Swedish Ghost Dwarf Vikings!”
“Yup.” Tatsuki said, as if no further commentary was needed.
“Think about it!” Ichigo said cheerfully. “Led by their evil queen Astrid Lindgren, the Swedish Ghost Dwarf Vikings derive powers from their beards and being short! The bigger the beard, and the shorter the dwarf, the more powerful they are. Naturally, they all completely curb stomp all heroic characters using the combined force of their Rakning technique to completely shave their enemies, and their Helskägg powerup... until our brave heroes gain a plot convenient power up! Oh, and Keigo conveniently turns out to be one of them.”
“You know, I am really starting to like this concept...” Keigo noted, only to be ignored by people who weren't even aware of his existence.
Rukia, perhaps speaking for all of them, facepalmed intensely.
“But of course, since I am the protagonist, I find a way: I make my sword grow a beard! Then, I singlehandedly defeat Astrid Lindgren in singlehanded combat!”
“Kurosaki…” Uryu said, his voice almost pleading.
“Ichigo, seriously.” Tatsuki said.
“What? You can't tell me that's more ridiculous than Quincy Nazis!” Ichigo shouted. “Compared to where the manga's been going, this would make perfect sense!”
“You know, Kurosaki,” Uryu said, “when you remove common sense completely, it's not hard to make sense. Besides, isn't canon being what it is the reason this fic exists in the first place?”
Ichigo pouted, crossing his arms. “I still think it's a great idea.”
“The rest of us, who enjoy having brains, disagree.” Uryu said snidely.
“But I like it, too!” Keigo shouted, causing him to receive attention for the first time in well over a dozen chapters.
“Yeah. Like I said – those of us who enjoy having brains.” Uryu said, not even bothering to turn around to face Keigo. Looking apprehensive, he added, “By the way, can we all just agree to not tell Kubo about this? We don't want to give him ideas.”
“God, yes.” Tatsuki said, making a face. “He might actually do it.”
“Ichigo, you fool!” Rukia exclaimed. “We should focus our ideas for things that are viable for this story. Like my idea!”
“What, a slice-of-life yonkoma about Chappy?” Ichigo shot back.
“…that's a great idea, actually.” Rukia said. “But I had something else in mind.”
“Well go on, then. It can't be as bad as Ichigo's idea.” Tatsuki said.
“Right.” Rukia said, her eyes shimmering. “It centres around a schoolgirl who falls through a well, and goes back in time to feudal Japan. There, she finds a handsome man sealed to a tree. He is released and turns out to be evil, except not really, and in the first episode they become friends, sort of. And then they join forces with a lecherous monk and a monster slayer and an annoying comic relief furry to find the soul of four jewels, an evil macguffin that the villain Karanu is after. It would be an ensemble cast, with the lead as a gruff, half-yokai swordsperson who learns moves like “scar wind” or “slashback wave” with the magical sword that his father left him.”
“Wait, a gruff, bad-mannered protagonist with a supporting lead that's a more stable foil? Doesn't that sound like-“ Ichigo began.
“Like it's a role perfectly suited for me!” Rukia exclaimed proudly. “Don't worry though- you get to wear a school girl uniform and shout my name a whole lot. Also, I would have an aloof elder brother who hates me and is the most powerful and awesome character in the whole series.”
Uryu made a face that could only be described as the visual equivalent of the desire to stab one's eyes out. “Great, thanks for that mental image.”
“Uh, no offence to your idea, Miss Kuchiki...” Urahara spoke up, thereby receiving the dubious honour of being the first character besides Aizen and Ichigo and his friends to receive any actual lines in this chapter. “But can't Ichigo at least wear a kilt? He could just be a Scottish exchange student or something like that, I dunno. Just anything to spare us the image of him in a miniskirt.”
“Absolutely not!” Rukia shouted, as if Urahara's suggestion was the greatest heresy. “I will not have a love interest that isn't a tiny miniskirt.”
“Uh.” Urahara said, thereby perfectly summing up the general reaction to Rukia's outburst. “Well, disregarding your... preferences, don't you think that Ichigo himself should be the one to decide on the matter of being Scottish?”
Ichigo however shook his head violently. “No way! I can't be Scottish. If I were, I had to live up to people like Sean Connery or David Tennant! Besides, I rather like the freedom that these skirts give my legs.”
“Uhh... well, aaaanyway...” Tatsuki said, getting very desperate to change the subject by now. “Could I, uh, play the monster slayer?”
“I had considered you for lecherous monk, but that would do.” Rukia said, smiling generously.
“Better… but far from enough.” Uryu said condescendingly. “For the audience of today, you need something more sophisticated than a feudal fairy tale. Something that can appeal to audiences of all ages.”
“And what idea did you have?” Rukia said, sounding miffed.
“Simple. I would be a boy of eleven, raised by his horrible step-parents who emotionally abused him from the start-“
“Wouldn't that make you emotionally damaged to a point where you couldn't function normally?”
“Willing suspension of disbelief, you simpleton!” Uryu snapped. “Anyways, at eleven I would receive a letter inviting me to study magic at an academy for sorcerers and magicians, where I would quickly make friends with a bumbling redhead who gets absurd amounts of irrational hatred from the fanbase-”
“Me?” Ichigo asked, sounding hopeful.
“...Yeah, I suppose you'd suit the role well enough. I'd end up getting married to your sister, though, but that is an issue for another time. My other friend would be an intelligent girl who'd solve all the logical puzzles for me- I guess Rukia can have that role.”
“Fine by me.” Rukia said, trying to not sound intrigued.
“And as time goes on, I have to combat the Dark Lord Evil Sorcerer known as Vole of Death. He'd be portrayed by Mr Clownish Horror Movie Villain Reject over there.” Uryu continued, pointing at Mayuri. “He would have failed to kill me when I was a new-born, ending a reign of terror, leaving a cross-shaped scar on my forehead. In the end, it turns out I was the chosen one, who has to kill the Vole. I think about eight or so movies would cover this plot.”
“…you're ripping off a franchise so popular even I have read it.” Rukia said flatly. “Just because you'd play a role that has glasses, too?”
“And I'd be protagonist, damn it!” Uryu snapped. “Let the smart people be in charge for once, what's wrong with that?”
“How about the fact that all the action would boil down to people swinging around glowing sticks?” Kenpachi shouted from the other end of the table, bored out of his mind. “I mean seriously, where the hell is all the blood and splattering organs? You kids just have no taste!”
Tatsuki grinned. “Oh, funny thing that you mention that- because you see, my idea might just fit your tastes perfectly.”
“Oh yes, humour us with the ideas of a simplistic, violence-obsessed mind such as yours, it will certainly be the greatest story ever told...” Uryu mumbled under his breath.
“I heard that.” Tatsuki stated flatly. “But just you listen and be blown away, you non-believer. The story would take place in the medieval Europe-Excpet-Not-Really-Because-It-Is-A-Fictional-Counterpart-Thing land, where the simple common folk have to live with the constant threat of man-eating monsters that can take on a human form, and prey on them from among them! But not all hope is lost for mankind, for there is an organization of silver-haired and golden-eyed all-female supermodel warriors with demon powers that travel the land and fight these monsters!”
“All female, you say?” Urahara said, smiling the smile of a man whose mind was very busy creating a very vivid image that didn't necessarily contain the female cast in a traditional kind of battle. “Tell us more.”
“Okay, so, I'd be one of those warriors, travelling the lands, seeking vengeance against a beast that killed a person that was very important to me, and inspired me to become a warrior in the first place. Along the way, I pick up a completely useless boy who tags along with me, and serves no other purpose than to be a love interest- I suppose you could have that role, Ichigo.”
“How very generous of you.” Ichigo noted, sarcasm dripping from his voice, onto the floor, where it formed a small puddle.
Tatsuki smiled kindly. “Your gratitude has been noted! Anyway, then later on, I save the life of a woman who becomes completely devoted to me, so you get kind of superfluous... but, whatever! As the story progresses, violence happens, and I find several comrades among the other warriors, none of which seem to have a male love interest for some reason. And then there's a conspiracy, and more monster-killing, action, and violence. So what do you think?” She finished, looking around with a big smile on her face.
“Well, as I have stated before, you have my approval.” Urahara said, still grinning.
“Same here... as long as I get to be partnered with Yoruichi-sama as warriors, that is.” Soifon added, folding her hands mischievously.
“It probably really is the best idea thus far, though that isn't really saying much.” Unohana said, nodding.
“Yeah, well, I say it's complete bullshit.” Kenpachi grunted, promptly halting the flow of positivity. “I mean, what the hell? Only females get to kick ass?! That's just crap. I say we move on to the next idea.”
“Bah, just you wait...” Tatsuki grumbled. “This'll be the best thing that we can come up anyway...”
“Sooo, going by the author's outline for the chapter, I guess it's my turn now...” Orihime said thoughtfully. ”I know! I'd play a young girl who yearns for something more than living trapped un-derground, where humanity has been banished by evil furries with giant robots.”
”That's Orihime, all right…” Tatsuki mumbled.
“But one day, I find this robot suit head that gives me a new mecha I can totally pilot even though I never had any training, and from there I go to the surface to fight furries!” She tapped her chin. “I'd also have this extremely awesome older brother figure- I guess that could be you, Tatsuki.”
“Well, that's cool.” Tatsuki said spiritedly.
“Yeah. You'd get like 90% of the fans, and there would be memes about how cool and awesome you are.”
“I am okay with that!”
“But you die in episode eight.” Orihime said cheerfully.
“What?!”
“Yeah, but your death triggers me to be extremely awesome and lead humanity to victory!”
“Some consolation that is…” Tatsuki mumbled.
“And I go on to lead an army of increasingly enormous mechas that throw galaxies as weapons and kick alien ass all the way!” Orihime cheered, making enthusiastic ‘pew pew' gestures with her hands. “My screwdriver would be the screwdriver that pierces the heavens! Who the heck do you think I am?!”
“…strangely, I think that would probably work really well.” Uryu said, sounding mildly impressed.
“Agreed, that is an improvement.” Ichigo said.
“…stupid dying to further character growth trope…” Tatsuki muttered.
“My turn!” Keigo declared.
“How are you even here?” Ichigo wondered. “You're not important or popular. Hell, I'd be surprised if you had more than a total of ten lines so far!”
“That may be so – but on the other hand, it also means that I am just about the only normal human character in this entire fic, which in turn makes me more special than any of you could ever hope to be. Quod erat demonstrandum.” Keigo explained proudly. Being allowed to act out of character had proven itself to be very benevolent to both his self-esteem and his intelligence.
“So basically, what you are saying is the fact that you are lame... makes you awesome?” Ichigo asked, raising an eyebrow.
“I would have been fine with the word “special” alone, but if you want to call it awesomeness- by all means, Ichigo, be my guest.” Keigo said, smiling smugly enough for Aizen to be taking notes on the other side of the room.
“Tsk. How very befitting of a fool such as you to use these protagonist pawns to make your own lameness seem greater than it is.” Hanataro suddenly said, giving Keigo a dark stare from the other side of the room. “But try as you may, the fact that remains that you will never be able to surpass me – my lameness is simply on an entirely different level than yours.”
“Pah! The only advantage that a beginner such as you could have over me is a greater amount of screentime, nothing else! My lameness can and will always outshine yours!”
“...Are those two seriously having an argument over which one of them is more lame?” Tatsuki asked, leaning towards Ichigo to whisper in his ear.
“Don't ask me. I have completely stopped questioning what was going on several paragraphs ago.” Ichigo whispered back stoically.
Uryu meanwhile coughed. “I don't mean to interrupt you, Keigo, but could you please get back to your idea?”
Keigo sighed. “Oh, if I must... we will simply continue our battle of wits another time, my arch-enemy. Anyway... it would be the grand tale of a young man, who had the nine-eared bunny rabbit sealed into him as but a mere child, which this drove him to have the ambition of becoming the king of the ninja pirates. Along his way, he and his not-as-important-or-powerful-as-him companions must fight evil aliens with kung fu, ultimately gaining Super Saiyan powers that can turn his hair blonde, and allow him to perform his ultimate technique, the RasenGomuMeha! And the name of this grand adventure shall be: DragonNaruPiece- the ultimate shonen adventure! I'll become king-kage of the ninja pirate village, dattebayo!”
“NO.” Uryu, Rukia and Tatsuki said at once, their disapproval forming a physical force, knocking Keigo over.
Grumbling, Keigo got back up. “Y'all just have no taste...”
“Oh, I actually quite liked it... though, the concept could still use some work.” Ichigo said, hoping to remain neutral.
“Ichigo? Keigo? Please shut up. Preferably right now.” Rukia said, politely but firmly.
“I swear, we'll never manage to come up with a decent concept at this rate...” Uryu mumbled, slowly applying his palm to his forehead.
“I'd say that's because you young whippersnappers simply have no idea of the world, and think in your naivety that all of your ideas are the greatest!” Yamamoto spoke up, making use of a grumpiness that people only seemed to be able to achieve once every single hair on their body had turned white. “It is about time that you foolish kids are done with your silly ideas, and us captains get to start with our sophisticated concepts!”
“And this is why you don't put the old man off his medicine...” Aizen mumbled under his breath.
“Oh, like your stories of the good old days will be so much better, hunchback!” Uryu meanwhile shot back, already fearing that him and the others would get significantly less dialogue now that the captains got started on their parts.
“Pah! Just you sit down and listen, lad!” Yamamoto said smugly.
“Uh, I'm already sitting.”
“Now, my idea is as simple as it is brilliant, and that for just one reason alone: It is not some rip-off based of some other series, but a genuinely original concept!” He stated matter-of-factly, saying the exact thing that nobody would have expected.
“HERESY!” Ichigo shouted, while everyone else was just busy O_Oing.
Ignoring the stunned almost-silence entirely, Yamamoto meanwhile continued, “The story would take place one thousand years in the past. An order such as the Gotei does not exist yet, and thus, Hollows freely roam the Soul Society, preying on all those not capable to fight, or unable to get protected. The only real human settlement that has been established is the Seireitei, protected by enormous walls which prevent all Hollows from entering.”
“Uh, what was that about a “completely original concept” earlier...?” Uryu quietly asked, speaking to no one in particular.
“Outside the walls however, there is a lone young soul, one of the few that have managed to gain the power of a shinigami – me. Little does the young man know that he will eventually found an order that will last well over a millennia... a story of politics, of battles, of humanity- and a story of war, for in the world of the living, there is a clan of humans whose supernatural powers threaten to unsettle the very balance of the world!”
A stunned Silence followed his words, taking a seat at the table and getting comfortable, starting a friendly conversation with his words, whom it had not seen since the beginning of the chapter.
“Qullshit!” Ichigo then finally shouted. Confused, the reader looked down on their keyboard to see if the letters Q and B were even close to each other. They weren't. “I mean, what the hell?! With a story like that, there's absolutely no chance for any of us to appear at all! Who'd want that?!”
“For once, I gotta agree with you there, Kurosaki.” Uryu agreed. “This is easily the worst idea so far.”
Orihime nodded. “Agreed. If I don't get my screentime, there will be blood. Plenty of it.”
“...Yeah, what she said.” Tatsuki said, staring at Orihime.
Keigo too nodded. “A story like that will never be able to successfully contain my grand lameness!”
“Like I said: None of you whippersnappers could appreciate something like this!” Yamamoto scoffed, trying not to act hurt. “It would take a captain to appreciate a fantastic story like that. You'll see, aside from you, everybody is going to-”
“Uh, yeah, gonna be honest with you here, sensei...” Ukitake said, seizing the chance to actually get some dialogue. “I gotta agree with the kids there. This concept sucks ass.”
“Same here.” Shunsui quickly agreed, taking a short break from his excessive alcohol consumption that had been taking place off-screen thus far. “I mean, the only ones here besides you who'd actually get a role'd be ol' Unohana, me and Ukitake- and us two would probably be useless kids at best. Do you honestly think that we'd support this crap?”
An agreeing grumbling could be heard from the rest of the captains, particularly from Mayuri and Aizen.
“This is just madness! One thousand years ago? Where would the science be?! It would just be primitive idiots swinging around swords, with no delicious science to be found anywhere!”
Yamamoto stared at the other captains in hurt disbelief. “Those words are BLASPHEMY!”, he then roared angrily.
“Silence, old man!” Soifon shouted, apparently enjoying her new anarchic, completely OOC perso-na. “You've all missed the point! We all need something that's really cool, profound and all around awe-inspiring!”
“Like what?” Ichigo said curiously. “A show like “Gotei Justice”, showing the everyday of Gotei law enforcement, in barely concealed propaganda? A show about crime forensics, starring people who look more like photo models than lab geeks? Maybe a show about a team of FBI agents spe-cializing in psychological profiling, hunting serial killers? Or maybe-“
“What? No.” Soifon said, giving him a dude-ur-so-retarded look. “What we need is a magical girl show, starring myself!”
There was a collective dropping, and subsequent dislocating, of jaws.
“I would be the pink-wearing lead girl, who receives magical powers after rescuing a magical dog. And then I rescue a poor, suffering girl who has been my antagonist, but only did it because her evil mother made her. Wacky hijinks ensue!” Soifon declared seriously. “The suffering girl is you, Yo-ruichi-sama.”
“That's… subtle.” Yoruichi said, chuckling.
“What?”
Ichigo sniggered.
“What?!”
”Oh, nothing. It just sounds a little bit like Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha. And a lot of other magical girl shows, I guess. I wouldn't know. It's not like I keep a really extensive and totally secret library of magical girl anime in my room or anything.” Ichigo said.
“S-so?” Soifon said. “You were ripping things off too!”
“Well, if you watched the third season, you'd notice that Nanoha and Fate are kind of… gay, right?”
Soifon rolled her eyes. “Guh, so typical for men to assume that just because two women are really close, sleep in the same bed, raise a child together and are generally devoted to each other, it's gay. Stop seeing things that aren't there! It's totally straight!”
“I agree.” Yoruichi said supportively. “It's so straight, Freddie Mercury looks gay in comparison.”
“See?” Soifon said triumphantly, while Yoruichi stifled her laughter.
“Soifon's transparent closet issues aside,” Gin said, “I have a much better idea-“
“All my closets are made of wood, you moron.” Soifon said sourly.
“…right. Well, my idea is a crime show. But not just any crime show- I'd play a modern day adap-tation of the greatest detective of all time.”
“Batman?” Ichigo wondered.
Swiftly, Gin stabbed him in the chest. “No, not “Batman”, you simpleton. That Mary Sue has noth-ing on the original detective, Sherlock Gin Holmes! I would play a modern day Sherlock who lives in Tokyo, written as a socially awkward but brilliant sociopath who solves crimes for a living, be-cause everything else is boring because I'm so incredibly smart.”
“Well, you have the sociopath thing down…” Tatsuki commented, ignoring Ichigo as he rolled around on the floor. Stab wounds were nasty, but protagonist physique was hardy. The end result: Ichigo out of commission.
“Do your research, girl.” Gin said dismissively. “I am a sadistic, barely-functioning psychopath with homicidal tendencies, not a sociopath.” He looked around. “Hmm, I'd need an aloof elder brother who may or may not be more intelligent than myself…”
“Hey-o!” Aizen said cheerfully.
“…well, if that's you, at least you only appear for like five minutes per episode.” Gin muttered. “I'd also need a warm, humane but traumatized Watson, functioning as my anchor to humanity and source for enormous amounts of homoerotic subtext.”
“Could I?” Rangiku said, fluttering her eyebrows.
“Well… that wouldn't be very homoerotic.” Gin complained. “Then again, I do have a soft spot for enormous boobs. You got the part!”
“Hooray!” Rangiku cheered. “I can't wait to steal the show with my loveable everywoman perfor-mance!”
“And then, we could go on to play a dragon and a thieving Halfling, driving fangirls insane with glee and potentially disturbing ships that are applied to these characters just because of our original work together.” Gin said, smiling jovially.
“May I remind you that each of us only gets to suggest one idea, my dear Gin?” Unohana said kind-ly, smiling the gentle equivalent of an “I will fucking murder you” smile.
As Gin quickly hid himself under his chair to cover in fear, Unohana turned towards Rangiku, to give her the gentle smile equivalent of a “what the hell are you even doing here” face. Her smile could very expressive. “And Matsumoto... I don't remember you being invited?”
Her mind acting faster than it ever had before in her entire life, Rangiku quickly stuttered “Idon'tReallyPlanOnMakingSuggestionsOfMyOwnSoCanIStayPleaseDon'tKillMe?”
Smiling her gentle smile equivalent of an actual gentle smile, Unohana pondered the question for a moment. “I suppose under these circumstances, you can stay... truth to be told, I might have a role in my personal suggestion that might just fit you.”
“Uhh... okay?” Rangiku said, uncertain whether she should follow Gin's example to cover in fear, or be intrigued, ultimately however deciding on a mixture of the two.
“This little story of mine would take place in the old country of England, where a secret organiza-tion founded by her majesty the queen herself would fight all sorts of nasty supernatural creatures, such as vampires, werewolves, easter bunnies, Justin Bieber fans, demons, and so on. In this battle against the darkness, I would be the organization's greatest asset, the vampire Anilucard, a beast more savage, powerful and deadly than any other vampire – but thankfully kept in check by the organization's competent, authoritative, and surprisingly badass leader.”
“And who'd get that role?” Ichigo asked, who by now had recovered from his severe stab wound, and tried to get back – only to trip and fall in the puddle of sarcasm that had dripped from his voice earlier.
“Oh yes, now that you mention it...” Unohana said thoughtfully. For a moment, she thought in silence, before suddenly shouting “Isane! Stop eavesdropping in front of the door and come in here at once!”
Instantly, a very nervous Isane burst into the room, ran up to Unohana, and saluted hastily. “Y-y-yesma'am?”
“You'll play the role of said leader. Understood?” Unohana stated matter-of-factly.
“B-b-but that role would just be way too harsh and strict of a character to actually fit me!”
Unohana's gentle smile gentle smile shifted into a death glare gentle smile. “You were saying?”
“I mean, I will obviously will play this role, and I'll like it, ma'am...” Isane said, admitting defeat after this short and very one-sided battle.
Unohana smiled. “Good! Now, in any case- our story begins as one night, I take a very enthusiastic walk through the woods, where I encounter an homicidal vampire priest, who holds a young police girl hostage. Acting quickly and heroically, I shoot both the police girl and the priest through the chest, but decide to turn the police girl into a vampire, too, and take her as my apprentice – this role would either go to Matsumoto or to Miss Arisawa... I have yet to decide.”
“I'll pass!” Rangiku quickly squeaked, deciding to become a full member of Gin's cover-in-fear-under-your-chair club, receiving a badge and a bag as a gift for new members.
“Well, I guess I'll the role, then...” Tatsuki said, not sure herself whether she should be delighted or scared to death. “Do I get to violently kill things?”
Unohana's gentle smile nodded. “But of course! In fact, there will be plenty of blood and murder... oh, but as you get turned into a vampire, your breasts get magically enlarged.”
Tatsuki shrugged. “Meh, could be worse. Still beats sparkling the sunlight any day.”
“Well, this nice and all...” Kenpachi suddenly interrupted them. “But is there any role in it for me? None of these other asshats have even bothered to think about me, even if their ideas were halfway decent!”
Unohana's smile gently waved its hand dismissively, as the woman herself chuckled. “Oh, don't you worry – I have just the perfect role for you! You'd get to play an immortal-ish catholic priest who also kills vampires and other things, but is my mortal enemy, and my equal-except-not-really. You wouldn't even have to take a liking to children!”
A stunned silence ensued, in which Kenpachi's just stared in disbelief at Unohana, who was petting her gentle smile on the head absent-mindedly. Then, Kenpachi suddenly thrust his arm forward, while giving an enthusiastic thumbs up, shouting, “I love it!”
Aizen meanwhile, who had watched the entire discussion in silence, shook his head disapprovingly. “Tsk, tsk, tsk... I must say, all of your concepts are just severely lacking- especially in one particular aspect.”
“And what'd that be, smartass?” Urahara asked, his tone annoyed as Urahara himself – the two always were on the same wavelength.
“Quite simple.” Aizen said, ignoring Urahara's annoyance. “AMBITION!”
Urahara remained unimpressed. “Uh-huh. Are you sure you don't mean “PRRRRETENTIOUSNESS”?”
“Same thing!”
“With you, it definitely is...”
“Oh, you'll see Kisuke- my idea is more grand than anything that your pitiful mind can come up with.” Aizen scoffed. “Set in an alternate universe, where earth is divided between the three superpowers of the Great Empire of Japanippon, the Scandinavian Federation, and Australia, the story follows me in the role of the young exiled fifth prince of the Japanipponian empire, Aizen le Japania, who lives in secret in the Japan-conquered America, together with the most important person in his life, his younger sister Kosuko le Japania. Under a fake identity, the two spend their days living as students of the Japanese ruling class in America, secretly plotting their vengeance against Japanippon and their villainous emperor father- who'd be portrayed by you, old man.” He said, pointing at Yamamoto.
“Hmpf! Of course you'd cast me as the villain. Well, I refuse!” Yamamoto said fiercely, unwilling to budge even an inch from his position.
“Oh, and you'd be voiced by Norio Wakamoto.”
“...I no longer refuse.”
Aizen nodded smugly. “Yeah, that's what I thought. Anyway, one day, my life would take a sudden, unexpected turn, when I encounter a mysterious girl portrayed by the daughter of Doctor Clownface over there” he gestured towards Mayuri “who grants me a mysterious power which allows me to command everybody to do my bidding by simply establishing eye contact with them! From there, I'd seize control of the American resistance, leading them to great victories that would have been completely impossible without my help! Along the way, I would repeatedly face off with my American childhood friend and traitor to his own country, who against all odds becomes a major member of the Japanipponian military! I would also gain several love interests- portrayed by Miss Kurotsuchi, Miss Inoue and Miss Shihoin.”
“And let me guess: The friend character will be me.” Urahara questioned flatly.
“Well, duh. Who else would fit that role?”
“And let me make a further guess...” Urahara continued “The series ends with you making an incredibly noble, heroic sacrifice that causes world peace somehow, after a series of ridiculously complicated battles and implausible strategical twists.”
“Something like that, yes. Although there would be a good deal of focus on how cool I look in a cape.”
“Except that the story isn't over yet, you go to Soul Society, become bestest friends with everybody here, and go on to try and make the Gotei a better place, except you mostly just dick around looking cool while also suddenly discovering your sexuality after ignoring it for almost two decades.”
“...Not a bad idea, actually...” Aizen said, thoughtfully. “But that could go very wrong very easily... no to mention that it'd take forever. No, we're not doing that... on second thought, it'd probably just be stupid.”
“Foolish indeed, traitor.” Byakuya said condescendingly. “Nothing so melodramatic could ever succeed.”
“And I suppose you have a better idea?” Aizen sneered, quite possibly feeling threatened by the possibility of not being the prettiest man in the room.
“I do.” Byakuya said.
“Go, nii-sama!” Rukia cheered excitedly. “Show them the best that the creative minds of Kuchiki can come up with!”
“With pleasure.” Byakuya said, with a smugness that rivalled even Aizen's. “I have plans for a show which could appeal to millions of children and adults at once, spawning dozens of internet memes and overloading Deviant Art with furry fetish art.”
“Sounds like a great idea.” Ichigo said, his sarcasm puddle growing even larger.
“I thought so too.” Byakuya said, oblivious to the blatant sarcasm. My idea is simple: it would be a light-hearted show teaching simple morals, with cutesy but qualitative animation, featuring a cast of young, strong female characters. I would call it My little Hollow: Friendship is devouring.”
Rukia blinked. “That's… awesome?”
“Yes.” Byakuya nodded. “It would follow six hollows living in Hollowtown, learning about the magic of friendship. I think I would call them something like… Dawn Glitter, Rainbow Pride, Charity, Applecrack, Pink E. Why and Shutterfly. Together, they would learn upstanding morals that all children should learn, like “be respectful”, “don't hurt other people's feelings”, “share your kills”, “chew with your mouth closed” and “kill all traitors”-”
He stopped, observing how everyone else stared at him, jaws collectively dropped, an odd mix of horror, surprise and in some cases, barely concealed laughter. It dawned on Byakuya that perhaps this brilliant concept was wasted on commoner simpletons like they.
“…obviously, this is all a joke.” Byakuya said coolly. “If it appears to be not a joke, it is because my sense of humour is very, very dry. As you all know, of course.”
“That's true!” Rukia shouted desperately. “Nii-sama's sense of humour is the driest in the Gotei! He literally can't make a joke! He's the unfunniest man in history-“
“Thank you, that will do.” Byakuya said curtly. Before his audience could think any further, he con-tinued,
“Now allow me to tell you my real idea, which obviously is much more mature and successful and interesting and not at all childish.”
“Well, this ought to be good…” Ichigo said, all but completely immersed in his sarcasm puddle.
“It would be the story of a young, strangely bald boy who is the chosen Avatar to bring balance to the force, hailing from a mountain monastery that's totally not Tibetan or anything. For some reason, he freezes himself into a block of paperwork, only to be awoken centuries later by a spirited, independent girl and he bumbling comic relief character brother. From there on, our innocent, young hero must learn the ways of the elements- “warping”, where you wave your arms around and somehow it makes water, dirt, air or fire move around for you.”
Byakuya made a small dramatic pause, raising the tension level all the way to the audience's knees. “But it is not his story. The Avatar is being pursued by the evil Flaming nation, led by the flamboy-ant Troll Lord Ohwhai. His son, prince Sucka, the true hero, and the character portrayed by me, pursues the Avatar to no end, in an effort to restore his honour, and along the way develops a rela-tionship with the female lead that gives rise to one of the desperate ships in history! The Avatar must not only learn all schools of warping, and topple a tyrannical Flame Nation and save the world, but also deal with the fact that fans don't want to see him get together with his love interest!”
“That's brilliant, nii-sama!” Rukia cheered.
Finally clawing out of his sarcasm puddle, Ichigo stepped up. “Sooo, Byakuya, bro! If you're doing that, I think you'll also be needing someone to play the super-kung-fu-action-Jesus?” He said hope-fully.
“Yes. And in fact, I already know somebody perfect for the role.”
Ichigo beamed. “Yeah, I guess it's got to be-“
“Ikkaku.”
“I know, right- WHAT?”
“He is perfect for the role.” Byakuya said seriously.
“…because he is bald?”
“What?” Byakuya said, sounding confused. “No, it's because of his meek, childlike behaviour and supreme acting skills.”
Ichigo looked incredulous. Byakuya, apparently, was entirely serious. They sometimes thought Ori-hime lived in a different world, but her grasp on reality seemed solid in comparison to this.
“The role of the female-lead-main-character-love-interest-except not really would fittingly go to Soifon...”
Soifon gave him a look as if he had suggested that she should make out with Omaeda. “What.”
“...Whereas the role of her bumbling comic relief brother can only go to Gin.”
“Uh-huh.” Gin said, giving him a look that wasn't quite sure whether it was sceptical, questioning, intrigued, or fascinated. “Well, I guess it'd be something new...”
Byakuya meanwhile mercilessly continued, entirely ignoring what the others had to say. “Season two would introduce a blind badass young girl, who can easily make grown men cry with pain, and is cooler than the entire Avatar team combined. Her role would obviously go to Hanataro.”
Hanataro stared at Byakuya incredulously. “How do you know I'm a- I mean, I mean, I'm not a girl!”
Byakuya stared Hanataro deep in the eye, channelling his wide variety of emotions into one single, stoic gaze. Their contact seemed to last forever, and might as well have contained the answer to life, the universe, and everything... except that it didn't.
“This season would also introduce the Prince's absurdly competent, skilled, psychopathic, and adult-looking sister, who would emotionally torture him at multiple occasions while chasing both him and the Avatar.” Byakuya said, completely disregarding everything that had just happened.
“Did you say “emotionally torturing him”?” Rukia said, grinning widely enough for her grin to pierce the limitations of her face.
“Yes, you can have the role.”
“Well, it's a great concept!” Rukia shouted supportively.
“Stop hogging the screen time!” Tosen exclaimed. “In the name of justice, I demand that Komamu-ra and I can present our idea!”
Byakuya pouted- gracefully of course. “I hold that my idea is the best one yet.”
“Ours is a classic.” Tosen declared proudly. “A young, handsome black village boy in kinda-sorta-medieval Europe-ish land has to trade himself for the life of his father, who was saved by a monster but demanded something in exchange.”
“And that monster is a hideous, furry beast.” Komamura continued. “He keeps the young, hand-some boy in his castle, because if he cannot gain a true love's first kiss, he will surely die from a curse placed upon him by a witch.”
“And!” Tosen said, “Though the young man is at first anxious and fearful, he becomes attached to the monster, learning to appreciate his inner beauty, and through his love he is transformed into a beautiful prince!”
“And they spend their lives happily ever after.” Komamura said proudly.
“…I guess I should have known those two were weirdly close.” Byakuya said.
“Well, whatever floats your boat.” Ichigo said. “Not judging anyone, and all that.”
“Why would you judge anyone for a close, passionate friendship, anyway?” Tosen asked, sounding extremely confused.
Unohana put a tissue to her nose, wiping off a slight flow of blood. “If you excuse me, I have some fan fiction to write.”
Please leave any reviews or comments at part 2.
© 2014 - 2024 Greatkingrat88
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Zoro vs Kaku
Kaku completely dominates Zoro. Zoro gets upset cause of Robin. Zoro receives nakama power and pulls a transformation out of his ass and suddenly one shots Kaku.